The cube croissant

rating a social media trend on a scale of 1 - ∞ cucumbers 🥒

This here is a humor newsletter and a food newsletter. You can read it for either or both. I’ll rate Bay Area foods on how “cucumber cool” they are. 🥒 For now, I’ll write these posts whenever I fancy. View all.

I did it. I tried a social media trend.

Zee cube croissant!

*Said in a French accent*

What I love most about these croissant trends is the irony. “Croissant” means crescent in French for the rounded shape, like a new moon waxing in the sky.

So, can we linguistically name a cube or a circle pastry “croissant”?

(It looks like a Borg ship from Star Trek.)

What other options are there? Cube in French is…cube. Rectangle in French is…rectangle. Customers might not realize they should be saying these words in a French accent when they order.

Coo-bah.

Ek-tongle.

No, our best option is “square” in French, which is…carré. Should we call this masterpiece a carré croissant? A carré? Or will English speakers trip over the guttural “r” sound and fall on their faces, pastry smushed into the pavement?

Here’s my final opinion. I love croissants. Because I love butter. So whatever shape the pastry comes in, I’m going to try it and thank my arteries for dealing with me later. Call it whatever you want, as long as you call me too; let me know when my coo-bah is ready.

This cube is from Croissante Artisan Bakery in Santa Clara, CA. (Imagine every croissant you can think of, it’s probably in one of their glass cases.)

stick out your tongue

The crust was perfectly flaky, with a nice sweet flavor that is typical of the butter used in croissants, and with notes of caramel in the crunchiest parts.

The cube was very satisfying to bite into, though inside wasn’t as elastic as I would’ve hoped. The texture of a croissant in its crescent shape is more chewy and stretchy.

Also, if the filling was somehow a custard instead of a kind of whipped cream, I would’ve awarded more cool cucumbers. At least the filling had a generous amount of vanilla bean, still offering a sensuous experience.

Regardless, I can imagine there’s more involved in making a structural shape work than I, a layman, would know. Maintaining the perfect cube shape must be a priority here!

All-in-all, I rate this pastry cube 7 cool cucumbers.

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How do you feel about croissants, food trends, or the French?

Poor Darcy, always in the background, wishing I was handing him a pastry