I found a secret bakery 🥐

Food adventure #1

My habit is to search Google maps for bakeries, cafes, and restaurants and catalog which one’s look good enough to try. A couple months ago, I came across what looks like a secret bakery running out of somebody’s house, like some kind of speakeasy for pastries. Of course, I had to get my hands on some.

If the prohibition era returns but this time for croissants and galettes, I will pivot my career to #1 gangster. They will call me The Choux, because of all the holes I make with my Tommy gun, hollowing out my enemies and filling them with whipped cream.

Green House bakery in Oakland, CA does limited run drops, so the only way to grab a box is to sign up for text alerts, wait for the notifications, then quickly buy some goodies before they sell out. How exciting and perfectly nerd culture is that? Apparently sneaker-heads, Taylor Swifties and pastry lovers have a lot in common.

Well, I missed out on the first few drops, but like most nerds I dedicated myself to winning my heart’s desire. And viola, even though dozens of other gluttons had the savory and sweet confections in their carts, I made it through to the end.

Cut to this morning, me in sweatpants driving to a residential area of Oakland, the skies blue and sunny, grey heavy clouds of rain parting just for me. The sidewalk damp and dewy and the neighbors’ yards full of stunning horticulture, huge aloe plants like out of the jurassic period, bigger than me, and I stop to stare at them for awhile and touch their spiny edges. (Later I regret not taking a photo to send to you).

My hips are a bit sore today so I use my flower decorated cane, some people stare, as usual, because I also walk confidently and smile at everyone like, Hello I just put on some tinted lip balm aren’t I so hot? Just a bit farther and there she is, the bakery running out of the bottom floor in the cutest house ever, with a line of people out the door, some rushing away excitedly carrying their boxes of treats. My brethren.

Here’s what I got:

• Caramelized Onion & Gruyère Croissant

• Meyer Lemon Meringue Danish

• Broccoli, Cheddar & Leek Galette

• Cinnamon Roll with Cream Cheese Frosting

There’s no way to describe the vanilla bean and cream cheese frosting cinnamon roll other than slutty. I split the roll with my partner for breakfast while I sipped on a cup of earl grey (holy fucking moly delicious) and he espresso.

Which one should I try next?

Now I’m getting hungry again, and it’s time for me to write and work on more serious things. NO WAIT pastry is the MOST serious, I’m sorry I said this my little croissant, I’m sorry.

Love,

Amani

poor Darcy is jealous